How to counter in-law crisis when in marriage

Marriage in Africa

If the in-law crisis doesn't hit before the wedding, it is likely to reach its peak soon after. Parents have a hard time letting go of one whom they cared for so long. One Woman said, "When my daughter married, I made a vow that i'd let her live her own life, even if i had to show her how to do it. Particularly during the early weeks and months of marriage, both sets of parents will be looking over the new addition to the family and judging that person by their own standards. But all studies show that the husband's mother will most likely pose the biggest problem. The husband's mother probably identifies more closely with the wife's role. Therefore, she is likely to be very critical of how another woman is performing a role that she has successfully filled for years. In some African traditional societies, a son-in-law is not allowed to look his mother-in-law in the face or speak to her. Some cultures will not let the bride's mother attend  the wedding. These people have learned the importance of keeping certain  relatives at a distance.

To avoid this in-law-crisis these are my suggestions:

Establish your own home after marriage. Do not live under parents even temporarily. It is impossible to develop intimacy in someone else's home, even if you have the whole upstairs to yourself and even if they promise to leave alone. Living with parents gives them the opportunity to behave as though you aren't grown up enough to know what's good for you. And you will feel restricted in many areas. Your sex life may be curtailed. He may be reluctant to show physical affection during the day, and she may be afraid of making noise at night. Intimacy cannot be developed under these circumstances.
Work at establishing a good relationship with your in-laws, in other words, make friends with them. A new husband might send a bouquet of flowers to his mother-in-law on her birthday. A daughter-in-law would remember her new mother-in-law with her thoughtful gift on Mother's day. On occasion, invite them to dinner or take them out to dinner. It might cost a little, but the rewards can be great. If you treat your in-laws like friends, you will find them treating you the same way.

Learn to accept your in-laws as they are. You might like to make a few changes in them, but they would probably like to make a few changes in you, too. Give them time to find new interest in life and to adjust to you and the loss of their child.

Never, Ever...
discuss the faults of your mate with your parents.quote your family or hold them up as models to your mate.give advice to your in-laws unless they ask for it.make a trip to your in-laws on your vacation.threaten to (or actually do) "go home to Mama."

Treat your in-laws with the same consideration you show all your friends. When you visit them, make the visit short. If they give advice, do just as  you would if your best friend gave you advice. Accept it graciously. If it is right for you, use it; if it isn't ignore it.

Enter marriage with a positive attitude towards your in-laws. Look for the good in them rather than the bad. Determine to enjoy your new family. And remember: It takes at least two people to create an in-law problem. No one person is ever entirely to blame.

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