I feel worthless and empty inside: My cheating husband gave me gonorrhea

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Sad African woman

Sorry, this will be a bit TMI…

I’m a 26 years old woman married to a 37 years old man. We have been for almost 3 years. We don’t have kids and we were planning to start out own family next year.

When we started dating, my husband told me that he used to be into the swinging lifestyle (more specifically the interracial). I was shocked but I accepted my husband’s past. My husband swore that he was done with this lifestyle for good and that he was ready to settle down for good and be serious. We started dating, got engaged and then we got married. We had a happy, balanced relationship with a great sex life as well.

Anyway, about 3 weeks ago my husband started to show symptoms of an STD and because he noticed that something was wrong, he went to a sexual health clinic. He was diagnosed with and got treated for gonorrhea. He tested positive.

After he arrived back home, he admitted to me that a week prior to that he cheated on me with another woman who is a widow. My husband had unprotected sex with her. And bam, he got gonorrhea! How irresponsible! For a week he didn’t have symptoms and in the meantime he had unprotected sex with me once, not knowing that he had gonorrhea. On the very same day he told me all this, I went to the sexual health clinic too and got treated for gonorrhea preventively. Well, yesterday my results came back and turn out that I indeed had gonorrhea! It took only 1 intercourse to get it from my husband! Everything else is negative, thank god.

I’m scared out of my mind because I know that gonorrhea can cause pelvic inflammatory disease even in a matter of 2 days and there were 6 days between the day I got it from my husband and the day I was treated for it. I scheduled an appointment with an OBGYN to have a full pelvic exam.

I did some research about the swinging thing and found out that STD risk is higher for swingers than prostitutes! Of course, the woman my husband got gonorrhea from denied everything and I bet she won’t go get treated and will continue to spread this nasty and dangerous disease! She is done with having kids so why would she care, right? Well, I do want to have kids and I won’t let my fertility and health taken away!

I’m disgusted with myself. I have never been a promiscuous person nor have I caught an STD before. Besides this, the emotional damage caused by the infidelity itself is horrible. I feel angry, dirty, and ugly. All I want to do is cry all day. I can’t talk to anyone about it because I feel so ashamed. The person I trust the most is my mother but I don't want to break her heart. I know that to her my happiness matters the most and I think she would be angry at me the rest of her life if I told her that I still love my husband.

My husband feels remorseful and said he would never cheat on me again. I know for a fact that he has never cheated on me before and after this one occasion because he literally comes straight home from work every day, we don't even have a car and when we go out with friends we go together. I said I would understand that he wanted to live the bachelor life but I can't be part of that because I deserve much better. He said he would choose me over any lifestyle and that he would give up everything for me. I have a very hard time trusting him and I still don't know what I want from this whole thing.

I don't want to sound stuck up but I know that I'm a beautiful young woman and I just can't understand why my husband would have sex with a disgusting, nasty woman and betray me on so many levels. My pride got hurt so badly. I feel so ugly and worthless. My libido is absolutely gone. I feel empty inside. Then all the sudden I feel horrible, horrible anger and I want to break everything in sight. On some nights I can't sleep and sometimes I want to sleep all day. Most days I'm not even hungry and I have to force myself to eat something. I feel like I will never be happy again. I used to be a happy, sunny, confident, bubbly person, now my zest for life is gone. Is this normal? Will these feelings ever go away?

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