I just wanted to share this with a lovely people who will understand

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Sad woman

I decided I am going to remain single by choice, for a very long time. I'm going to focus on loving myself and being happy.

I'm in my early twenties, but spent about 7-8 years in an out of terrible relationships with no breaks in between, starting with an emotionally abusive relationship when I was 14. So I basically spent the vital years people develop their identities... enamored in shitty boyfriends, going from one to another. Alcoholics, controlling guys, jerks, cheaters. I can't say I ever actually had a healthy relationship with a boyfriend.

I'm doing pretty well in life, but I'd have to say my self-esteem can be absolute shit a lot of the time. I'm pretty sure I have body dysmorphia. Often, I become hyper-focused on my physical flaws. Relationships make me miserable anymore. It feels like constantly being in a competition that I can never win. I never feel like I'm good enough. I'm so mentally fatigued from being involved with so many guys.

I want more me time. I want to eat clean and exercise every day- and this time not so I can attain an impossibly perfect body but because I just want to be happy, healthy and energetic. I wanna get rid of all the clutter in my life, focus on getting my degree and fulfilling my dreams. I don't love myself but I want to learn right now how to love myself.

I don't have it in me to commit to someone else right now. I want to take the next few years to work on myself and enjoy my own company. And if I find someone, great. If I don't, I want to still be okay with that.

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