Is this something I should be worried about?

African woman making her hair

At the beginning of our relationship, my partner and I had good sex, it was usually pretty vanilla but passionate and tender. He didn’t have the same sense of urgency as I did, but he was engaged and excited and I loved the way he touched me.

Three years later: we are having sex less than once a month. I am no longer able to reliably orgasm with him. More often than not, he loses his erection during sex or says he is unable to cum and is sore after 5-10 minutes so we stop. We both recognize that our sex life is unsatisfying, and though I’m the HL and he’s the LL, we both want that to change.

I’ve found through this time that the stuff I fantasize about has really changed. When we were first starting to struggle with our sex life, I used to think about him being super passionate, ripping off my clothes as soon as we get home, that kind of thing. Now - not surprisingly, I guess, after so much rejection - I do not fantasize about him. But more surprisingly, to me at least, I’m also not thinking about the kind of sex I wish I were having — what turns me on now is more being submissive, even non-consensual situations.

I do not want to kink-shame anyone who is into this kind of play, but for myself, it is NOT what I want in our sex life, and it would not be arousing if he initiated that kind of thing with me. But not much else turns me on right now. Wtf is going on? Is this something I should be worried about? I feel like this is just making the disconnect between us grow bigger.
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