Today is the first day of my life

Woman chilling

You blindsided me. You made me feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest. You gaslighted me. A week ago I thought we had a future. A real future.

After finally being honest about my side today, I am able to let go. Not only of you but of everything. Before you, I searched over and over again for other people who could make me happy. After previous (and much more superficial relationships) I felt as though I always had to move on to the next one and never let myself feel because I was numb to feelings. And our relationship was the only time in my life where I felt like I found that and I felt that we were partners. We problem solved together. I was at peace and secure and I trusted you. The trust is gone forever though. This week I have felt so much. My whole body has been in physical pain. I didn't eat for 3 days. But I felt and I stewed in it. And I'll probably feel this off and on for a long time.

And I have come to the realization that I don't need to search anymore. I don't need validation from anybody but myself. I am beautiful and loyal and patient. I am goofy and intelligent and love people with my whole self. At the same time, I am stubborn and need an extra push sometimes, among so many other flaws. But I love myself. I love every part of myself and I am going to work on myself starting today.

I'm going to finish grad school, I'm going to get out of my comfort zone and start working out to become stronger. I am going to push myself in a way that I have never been strong enough to do because I know I told this to you, but I deserve to hear it too: I deserve everything in this life! I deserve to live the fullest, most productive and most infectiously joyous life. And I don't need you or anybody else to make me feel that way. I am so excited to find myself and the things that I love again. I can't wait to not be lost in other people anymore and to get lost in myself for a change.
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