We Arab girls won't go to hell, cause we're already there..


Arab girl

I'm a 27y Arab girl, I live in a community where if you're a girl it doesn't matter how old you're, you'll always be treated like a 10 years old. A lot of girls in my society seem to be ok with it but I'm not. I mean I can get money if I want some, I have someone to drive me (but only to the places my family approves of), but I don't feel alive... I'm forced to cover my face every time I go out, I can't even smile cause I know nobody will see that smile... I have a master degree but I don't wanna work cause I'm too depressed I don't wanna go out looking like that, some girls don't mind covering themselves but it's really hard for me...

I once traveled to a foreign country where people aren't used to women covering up their faces and of course I was young and forced to, I felt like an exotic pet, people rising their phones taking photos of me, and males in my family thought it was fun, well, it wasn't for me, it was painful. In my country, a girl must have a male guardian (father, brother or even a son) and if she wants to study, travel, get a surgery-even if it's urgent- that guardian must sign the papers... Now if I decided to tell my guardian how I feel, he'll use his privileges to me... even if a girl wanted to report something to the police, her guardian must sign it :).. so no way out of it.. my family are really good to me, they love me they think I'm happy cause they buy me all the things I want.. and I love them too, but it's killing me.. I'm also forced to act like I'm a Muslim while I'm not, I'm not living this real life for an imaginary life after death! I can't tell anyone around me, I'm scared of their reactions, I can go to jail for being an atheist... 

My family might keep me in my room forever.. or worse. I'm not scared of god cause I don't think he's real, but I'm really scared of society cause it's real. I don't think I might commit a suicide but I'm not afraid of death. Today I was almost in a car accident and I didn't blink, I kept staring at the other car and part of me wished it took my life... It makes me sad that I don't wanna be buried in a cemetery with the people who took my life, but again I can't even ask for that... I look into their faces and I wonder what if they knew!! I can't pursue my dreams cause they're not approved by my family... 

I don't see my future, I feel chained and my heart is heavy, I'm a hypocrite but this is the only way I can live... If I decided to take a stand I'll only break my family hearts and I'll probably end up punished... I'm really sad and I'm starting to have no control over my tears, it just hits me wherever I'm and they start dropping.. how long will I live this lie!
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