I'm completely useless and I want out


Campus girls reading

I'm 23, in my last year of college as a sociology, and I haven't read a single book since the semester kicked off. I'm now feeling absolutely no motivation to do well. I regularly miss class. I was hoping to pull through but my ADHD kicked in again and I have been doing poorly, really poor, last minute, I didn't do the readings or go to class work. Today I turned in what was basically half a paper for a pretty serious assignment.

I think my parents just spoiled me. I never had to do chores --still to this day, you'd be hard-pressed to find me making my bed or doing laundry more than once a month. I feel like I am literally withering away. My brain is slowing down --I used to be kind of witty and curious, but now it's hard for me to even care. My limbs just don't really want to move. Sometimes when I'm walking to class or to work I just think "I could just drop right now and not move" and honestly it sounds pretty nice. Just letting the world go by.

It's partly an inherited problem. Laziness runs rampant in my family. My dad just happened to be an exception and actually made something of himself. I guess he was sort of a genetic outlier within our family. I definitely had the potential to be better, but I was raised the wrong way, and now my brain is wired for just about nothing but daydreaming, masturbating, and sleeping.

Everything just sounds so much worse than just laying in bed. I watch porn and drink myself to sleep just about every night. Everyone I know is making something of themselves, with bright futures ahead of them, and I'm just letting myself slip away.

I'm not sure if it's some kind of inferiority complex that keeps me from getting anything done, or if it's just being spoiled, not being able to accept that everybody in the world is working hard to do well and I just expect to do great without the effort.

Sometimes I'll go a week --I'd say about a week every month-- where I somehow pull things together and become something a tiny bit more than a piece of shit. I'll work out for a few days in a row, I'll cook my own meals instead of eating out, I'll show up to certain occupations on time--- but it inevitably falls apart and I end up back where I started, sitting on my bed, deciding whether I should fall asleep or not. hating myself. hating the world. then hating myself again for being so disingenuous.

I'm just accepting that I'll die alone. or that if I ever find love I won't deserve it. until then I'll just be laying here motionless. fuck
Powered by Blogger.