My kindness was never acceptance or weakness: I will no longer hide as if I did something wrong


African woman in a plane

Yes, I’ve withheld things from you…for your sake. Because instead of being angry I chose to try to understand why someone would act that way. Because I don’t believe in kicking someone when they’re down.

Do you remember the first episode of Homeland? Where Agent Brody has sex with his wife for the first time? Where he’s just pounding away at her like a prostitute and she’s basically crying.

You turned into someone else that night. I didn’t matter. I guess I was just a vagina for you to use at that point. I wanted to push you off but I guess I wasn’t strong enough. The shock and the trust in you combined into this paralyzing state that I still haven’t forgiven myself for.

I told you that was aggressive. You said it was because you hadn’t come inside me in a long time. (2 weeks was it?)

Immediately after you fell asleep, satisfied. You didn’t notice me crying in the bathroom.

The fact that the only reason you were inside of me, to begin with, was because 'everything was fine, you wanted us to move abroad, and I needed to stop asking how you are' makes it worse.

The fact that you so callously ended it the next morning because you had lost feelings tells me how little I mattered to you.

The fact that you continued to lie, manipulate and be unkind to me for months tells me everything I need to know about you.

My sadness was never about the relationship ending. I would not be jealous of seeing you with someone else. Despite what you may believe I do have my own opinions regarding our time together and whether we were right for each other.

My sadness comes from how difficult you've made it for me to trust and be intimate with someone again. It comes from how unnecessary it all was.

But after 9 months of trying to be understanding and supportive of your situation and getting chewed out in return I will say:

My kindness was never acceptance or weakness. I was just hoping I’d have a different story to tell about you. I don’t ever want to see or hear from you. I will no longer excuse your actions to myself and certainly not to others. I will no longer hide as if I did something wrong.
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