The shoddiness of our sex life is just now coming to light

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Woman crying

What is a sexual relationship with a loving, lifetime partner supposed to be like...?

My current boyfriend is a selfish lover who is “done” after his orgasm, blames my post-intercourse vaginal infections on me (I do extensive, extensive hygiene practices at home and with gyno consultation - I am definitely not the problem) and occasionally even cums inside me without warning me. He’ll tell me after he’s done, promises to buy the “Morning After Pill” then never does. I go buy it.

Recently I’ve asked him to use condoms to prevent future infections (we usually go bareback w/ birth control & pull-out method,) and I’ve asked him to see a doctor to get tested for yeast or any other male-related infections.

We used a condom once, and the sex was tense and throbbing with his anger for having to wear the condom. The following sex session, he didn’t use one at all. Once we were done, he slapped me on my thigh and said, “Go clean up so you don’t get another infection like last time.”

I don’t feel cared for. I feel used.

At the start of our relationship, the sex was sweet and tender. He would take time with foreplay, pay attention to my reactions, talk to me during. Spontaneous sex, exhibitionist sex, role-playing! We did weird stuff. I loved it! His sex is what sold me on dating him.

He still has great technique and causes me or orgasm regularly... but recently I’ve begun to feel like a cheap whore. I’m confident my lack of angry reactions is what has encouraged his sloppy behavior.

For example, what’s the point of getting angry if he has already orgasmed inside of me? If he doesn’t use a condom? It has already happened; no one can take it back. It’s my responsibility to protect my health. I should be the one making a fuss about the condoms, the cummings, the doctor. I ought to protect myself - it’s my body. I shouldn’t always be bending to his will.

He’s not even being pushy about getting his way. I just want to please him so badly. His discomfort is my torment because he becomes moody and distant. We won’t have sex again for another month or longer. And I fundamentally need sex. Not want, but need. Going without sex with my partner for a long period of time makes my mental health crack.

I suppose some of my behaviors in bed have changed, too. I mean, I can feel when he is cumming. I just never get off because his orgasm does feel good... and sex without a condom is pretty great. Maybe I could just get another round of antibiotics and tough it out. I don’t react as enthusiastically in bed anymore, too. I’m less impressed with his sex routine - it’s not novel anymore, and he won’t deviate for the sake of variety.

I right now have a sex swing mounted on our bedroom door. Every time we have sex I try to lead him over to it, but he redirects me to the bed, back to the same-ole’ position. I constantly try to switch things up. No real changes.

The easy and direct solution is talking this out with him. Trust me, I’ve tried. I’ve stopped trying because I’ve discovered if he perceives an insult in whatever I say, we go without sex. He is hurt. He withdraws into his shell. Now I have to deal with this quiet sulking beast who takes up the entire couch, sleeps all day on his “off” days, and takes over the TV with video games.

I want to progress. I want a deep and invigorating connection with my mate. There are many good aspects of our life together, and that is why I’ve endured the complicated sex challenges. To me, it’s obvious we have the potential for that kind of bond. But his insecurities, his selfishness, and my tired apathy have built this ugly wall between us in the bedroom.

We just get on, get off, clean up, go to sleep. I hate it, and I think deep down he hates it, too.

Our overall relationship has undergone some serious stressors. Moving to a new state, he was gone for a few months, he is currently afraid I’ll cheat during his long trips because of a bad experience with an ex-girlfriend (he’s trying to digest that emotional rollercoaster) ... I’m trying to differentiate between us going through a rough spot or if the shoddiness of our sex life is just now coming to light.

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