Could Really Use Some Advice: Wife OR Sex-mate?

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Couple fighting

Hi, I could really use some advice and will try to keep it as short as possible. I've been married 11 years and in a Dead Bedroom situation for most of it. I started having an affair 3 years ago and now she wants more and I don't know what to do. I've never shared any of this with anyone.

I met my wife in grad school and we got married in our mid-20s. When we first met we used to have sex all the time, it was super spontaneous and we'd fuck as much as 7, 8 times a day. It gradually decreased, which is expected, and by the time we got married it was probably down to a few times a week. Three years into marriage it was a full-blown Dead Bedroom situation, with sex happening maybe once a month or so. We saw counselors and it never amounted to anything. About 3 and 7 years into the marriage I told her I was very unhappy with living a celibate lifestyle and wanted a divorce. This made her cry more than anyone I've ever seen and just so incredibly sad that I couldn't go through with it. Plus, my parents love her just as much as me and I can't imagine how sad they and the rest of my family would be. It had gotten to the point where we had sex just 4-5x a year.

Three years ago I was complaining about my situation to a female friend and lo and behold she was going through a similar situation. We started sleeping together and the sex was mind-blowing good. Really amazing. Neither of us had kids and wanted to get divorced so it worked out well as we were getting what we wanted all around. Well, things went even more downhill w/ her and her husband and they got divorced. Now she's not happy that I can't spend more time with her, go on vacations with her, spend the night all the time, etc. She wants me to either get a divorce, tell my wife I want an open relationship, or just sneak around even more. I don't know what to do and just feel so confused and have so many different emotions going through me. Regarding my wife, at this point I know if I was like hey let's have sex she'd be all for it, but after so many years of rejection and all that negativity, I'm just not attracted to her even though objectively she's a knockout, great body, face, etc., I just have no desire to have sex with her. Other than that our life together is really great and comfortable, but more like best friends/roommates living together (I love her more than anything, know she feels the same about me, and I'd take a bullet for her in a heartbeat).

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