I’m not seeking advice, just someone to listen

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African Lesbians Kissing

So, this is my first time doing one of these things. I just have this bottled up inside and need to get it off my chest to anybody that I don’t know. I’m 21 years old. All my life I’ve struggled with my sexuality but never had the courage to accept myself and remained in denial. I was raised in an old-fashioned household with Catholic parents. Religion was always shoved down my throat but I never for one moment truly followed it. My parents always made it known that they did not agree with homosexuality, despite having some homosexual family members. It’s almost like they’ll accept anyone being gay as long as it’s not their own children. As a young child, I went through the weirdest experiences with sexuality.

Throughout the years, I never did more than just kiss girls. Girls that were friends. Still confused but I figured it was normal to pop kiss your friends. All I’ve ever dated and had sex with were men. I’m currently on and off with my best friend (he’s a guy) for the past 6 years. He’s incredible. I’m convinced I want to marry him. He’s been there for me through the hardest times in my life. But sometimes I can’t help but feel like this is not the right time for us, and I still have some suppressed emotions that I have to confront. Such as my sexuality.

I met this beautiful girl about two years ago. We became instant friends. She worked next door. Time passed, life happened and we drifted. In the recent months, we rekindled our friendship and we have been inseparable since. She confided in me and told me about her struggles with sexuality. She’s gone through so much similar situations, if not worse. Her parents are worse about sexuality than mine. She’s tried to come out to them before and they put her through therapy. I wanted to be there for her. I confided in her and she became the first person I’ve ever told about my attraction towards a woman. She was so accepting. She helped me learn to accept myself. I thought I was developing a “friend” crush on her.

This is getting so long so I should probably get past the sap stories and cut to the chase. We both ended up confessing our feelings for one another. We’ve been spending so much time together. I’m finding it difficult to not want to be in her presence most of my days. We had sex for this first time this weekend. It was my first time sleeping with a woman and it was her first time too. It was everything I ever dreamt it would be. I haven’t stopped thinking about it since. I feel like I’m going mad. I think I’m in love with her. But we can’t be together and we both know it, so we’re basically setting ourselves up for heartbreak. We’re both in extremely difficult situations. I’m moving away next year. We decided we’ll call it quits before then, so we’re embracing any moment we get to spend with each other in the meantime. I’m really going to miss her.

I don’t know what I’m doing at this moment in my life. All I know is I’m always going to be grateful she came into my life when she did. And because of her, I know that it’s okay to feel lost sometimes and not have everything figured out quite yet.

I guess I came on here because I can’t talk about this with anyone else. It’s a huge secret we both have to live with. I would never want my best friend to find out. So, basically in the recent months, my life made a drastic turn.

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this. It feels so good to let it out somewhere. 

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