Okay, I'm in love with my best friend's brother. I admit it!!!


Couple

As kids, we didn't understand each other. I thought you were a dumb jock obsessed with popularity, you thought I was a stuck-up nerd who tried too hard to stand out. We used to have explosive arguments in your parent's kitchen: about politics, about how sports are dumb, about privilege, about our friends...

Somehow the friction wore us down. We got older. I helped you with your college essays. You used to invite me to your place while you watched football and I would curl up on your couch and read.

We kissed a few times over the years; drunk in the hallway, against the wall in your bedroom...one time we had sex. No one knows. We pretended it never happened.

We are so different externally, but inside we are similar. Your brother described us as "madly in love, in denial and both terrified of emotional intimacy." I never talked to him about you again. Perhaps he was right.

Once, you tried to make it work; I ruined it. You were 25 and I was 21, struggling with an eating disorder, trying to get into a grad school across the county and so f*cking ashamed. So f*cking ashamed of myself, so terrified of what you would think if you knew the truth, knew about my issues, knew about my instability.

You took me out on dates. You told me I was beautiful, you told me I was brilliant, you called me every day. You opened up about yourself but I couldn't do the same. I couldn't handle vulnerability, so I pushed you away.

When I broke down and told you we needed to stop, you kissed me one last time and told me I was a weirdo.

Again, we pretended like it never happened.

It's been 3 years. I moved to a few different cities and am now halfway through grad school. Tried to date around but nothing ever stuck. You have a girlfriend, you seem like you love her. Your brother says it won't last, but still, I am happy for you.

Last night, I saw you. You gave me a big hug and kissed me on the cheek. All I wanted to do was cry in your arms and tell you everything I was too cowardly and stupid to say for the past 10 years.

Of course, that would not be appropriate. I regret pushing you away in my early 20s. I have loved you since I was that little girl on the debate team falling for her best friend's obnoxious older brother. I never knew how to tell you.

I feel like a such a f*cking fool.

I'm tired of being afraid of vulnerability. Right now I'm finally ready to love you, but you are not ready to love me. I guess that is life.

All I can say is that next time if there is ever a next time, I won't be such a coward. I will apologize. I will let you see my cry. I will be honest, painfully, painfully honest. I will tell you everything. Everything. Everything.

I really love you. I hope one day we can give us a shot.
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