Is he raping me every time he has sex with me while am asleep?


Woman being abused

My husband and I have been together for about 15 years and have two school-aged kids. He works full time and I work part-time after being a stay at home mom for over a decade. We are finally at the point where together we make a comfortable wage - not enough to buy a house or afford a lot of luxuries, but we can pay all our bills with some left over for saving and a few extras.

So a few years ago, I realized (after a LOT of thought and attempted discussion as he is not good at communication) that I no longer love him and am not attracted to him. However, there is no practical way we can live apart. I make less than it costs to rent a 2 bedroom apartment in my area, and he doesn't make enough to pay rent/bills + child support. I've gone over and over it in my mind because there is nothing I'd want more if I could also give my kids a good life.

Before this realization, he started having sex with me while asleep. Like, he'd sneakily pull my underwear off and I'd wake up to him penetrating me. I told him that I was up for sex literally anytime after the kids were in bed, just not when I was sleeping. I said that it made me feel horrible and to not do it again. But it continued, every so often, up until the present.

When I brought up the feelings of disconnect and not feeling attracted anymore, he got really upset. I asked him if we could hold off on sex for a while until we work on things a bit. He initially agreed, but then a day or two later started begging me for sex. I knew if I said no he'd mope and make everyone miserable, so I gave in eventually. But one night he started and I said no and he said "come on, just a little" and kept going.

Then it started getting rougher. He'd do the same starting sex while I was asleep, but it would be rough. He'd pull my hair, hold onto my legs or arms (hard enough to cause bruises), shove his fingers down my throat so far I'd gag, one time he used his foot to push my face down, and one time he choked me so hard I got kind of scared. This was all without having talked about it beforehand.

One night a few months ago, he started as usual. Then got going with the rough stuff. Then he was holding my face hard (was sore the next day), making me open my mouth so he could lick inside. Then he spat inside my mouth. I expressed extreme disgust at this and he stopped spitting.

About a month ago, it happened again--the rough sex started while I was asleep. This time I actually said no, and tried to get out from under him, but he held me down and kept going. He tried to force my mouth open so he could put his fingers in, but I didn't want that and held it closed as hard as I could. He actually slapped my face a few times. Not that hard, but just hard enough to sting. Finally, he gave up on that and I kept struggling to get away but couldn't. He flipped me over and pushed my face into the bed so hard at one point I got kind of scared he'd accidentally smother me. Eventually, he finished.

Two days later (even with me being obviously upset with him), he started having sex with me again. I said "you've gotta be kidding me" and he said "what?" Then I figured it'd just be better to let him do it than say no and deal with either him moping or just doing it anyway

The next week, in the middle of the night he wanted to, I said I didn't want to. He acted all mopey for a long time while I lied there trying to go to sleep. Then finally he just had sex with me anyway.

The thing is, it's extremely hard for me to reconcile the person he is outside the bedroom with the person he is in it. I mean, we have our (big) issues, but he is good. He would never dream of hurting anyone, especially me or the kids, and is a big feminist. It just seems like his impulse control is nonexistent when it comes to me and sex (plus he probably has some built up subconscious resentment toward me).

Thank you if you read it. I guess I'm just looking for maybe a little support or coping strategies since there's no possibility of leaving my husband until the youngest is out of the house (at least 9 years).
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