My dad decided to end his life and didn't mention me or my sister in his "note"

Sad kid in school

My father and I haven't spoken in years. He was a terrible person. I tried for years to make a relationship work and he never put in any effort and it always failed and brought me to a really bad place. So I cut off contact.

Today he hung himself. He didn't leave a note but texted his girlfriend a sort of goodbye I guess. He talked about his youngest three that lived out there with him (different mom than my sister and I) and asked her to tell them things or something idk. But he didn't even mention my sister or I. My sister continued to try to have a relationship which only ever hurt her and sent her life spiraling. He didn't even mention her even though they talked somewhat frequently.

This hit her hard and it really hit me hard. I guess he actually really didn't care about me in any way? He didn't leave me a message or anything. Didn't have anything to say to me or my sister. Didn't even think about us or mention us.

I don't know how to handle that. I hated him. I still do in a way. But I would have thought as my father he'd have had something to say to me and my sister. I don't know what to think. I'm devastated yet feel like I don't care. I'm confused. Every so often I don't even believe it happened.

I regret not speaking to him but he drove everybody away. He never had any meaningful relationships. His other three kids hated him. His ex he had the kids with recently kicked him out.

I also feel a sense of relief that he's gone and I feel fucked up for that. But his life was miserable and just awful and he suffered greatly from mental illness and addiction. He's not suffering now. But I don't want him to be dead. I never thought he'd kill himself. I can't accept that. I keep visualizing his final moments and it kills me. How he must have felt. I've been that desperate. I've been that alone. And depressed. I've been so close to committing suicide but never have. To think that he felt like that in his final moments. So alone and depressed and terrible. It hurts. So bad.

I don't even know how I feel. I don't know what to feel. I don't know what to do. I'm just sitting here crying.

I hate him but I miss him. I wish I could've had a father. He never made that possible. He always chose alcohol over family.

What do I do? What am I supposed to do? I didn't think I'd care this much when he died.
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