How on earth did my life turn into such a train-wreck?

Woman cooking

I don't know what the fucking problem is. Every fucking Sunday after he can sleep in, he decides to finally waddle down the stairs where I have been providing the kids with breakfast and started making the kitchen nice and clean and maybe even starts to cook, and he starts complaining about petty useless bullshit. Like today. Why haven't I changed the tablecloth at an earlier time so it doesn't have to fill up the Sunday? Why did I let the table become ruined? (= it got some stains through the hole of the previous tablecloth) And then, off it goes, the kids were currently happily listening to a biblical audiobook I had provided for them with the intention to have them occupied, to learn something and to prepare for church later what should be happy and peaceful, what it all was. Now, when the husband was standing in the kitchen, sipping his coffee, he started complaining about how he thought it was that one biblical audiobook that HE found on youtube, and how this one is shit and stupifying and how I just shove any crap to the kids instead of putting thought into what they receive. I had told him that yes, maybe his audiobook was of higher quality, but I had used that CD because we had listened to it before, the kids liked it, the kids liked that particular story and I still found it very well-made and interested. He started making a huge deal out of it how I was a liar because I both said I also found it annoying (it's for KIDS FFS) and still thought it was ok.

And then, to top it off, when I calmly asked him what was wrong that he had to fill eery single sunday morning with unneccesary complaints, he responded that I should rather think about how I ruin every evening with complaints about him EXCHANGING TWO YEARS OF ROMANTIC/SEXUAL POEMS WITH SOME SLUT, THEN MEETING UP WITH HER, THEN, UPON Me FINDING OUT, PRETENDS TO NOT HAVE DOne aNYTHING WRONG, THEN UPON BEING CONFRONTED WITH WHAT THEY ACTUALLY WROTE SHUTTING DOWN, CLAIMING PRIVACY, AND REFUSING TO EVER ACTUALLY TALK ABOUT ANYTHING.

Needless to say, I flipped shit and not very charitably reminded him what having a two-year affair with some smut-literature loving slut made him and how he should not bother bringing that up to his defense. To which in turn HE FLIPPED SHIT, PICKED UP THE KITCHEN BENCH AND SMASHED IT ON THE FLOOR.

I am not even shocked or annoyed by that. It was expected. I'm just waiting for one day being smashed the same way, maybe my miserable existence can be finished then. But I found it sort of amusing becaus the bench was his grandma's - his parents wanted to clear out the house after she died, and the husband made a big deal of "not throwing out the good old furniture" and spent two days driving 800km twice to carry that shit piece of a bench home and then trying to fit it into our kitchen where it did not have space at all and constantly was in the way, which I found annoying but accepted it because he liked that fucking shit bench so much. Now he broke it in rage. heh. And also smashed a hole in the floor. He crudely cemented it, and I plan writing the name of his crush along with the phallic symbols he liked to exchange with her into it so he might be reminded with what wrath he defends that stupid fucking hoe.

And maybe one day I can finally muster up the courage to take my kids and disappear. Even though I seriously want to try my best and clear things up in couples' therapy where we currently are enlisted in, despite him snubbing it as useless.

Well, I'm not saying it was any nicer and better when I was growing up, but still, I could have made better decisions. The only upside and the light in my life is that my kids are so wonderful.
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