Guys, here are some ground rules for masturbation.


Vaseline and toilet paper

There is nothing revolting about jerking off. It is biology. Just like germination. You do not see people getting their panties in a twist over photosynthesis, do you? 

Nonetheless, there are a few rules that I feel we should abide by, especially in instances of shared space. Mostly because, for us men, masturbation is usually very messy. If done right, you can live for days with your roomie without him ever knowing that you unburdened your load. 

Personally, I’ve never been in a situation where I didn’t have enough privacy to take care of myself when the urge arises. But sometimes, while chilling with my boys, talking about women over a beer, I hear some stories about someone (a housemate or girlfriend) who walked in on them flogging their log. 

So here are some masturbation etiquette tips that might come in handy for vijanas out there; ground rules to play by when beating the shit out of your midget friend. 

Don’t do it when she is around

There are those girlfriends who will never understand. The self-absorbed type who likes to make everything about them. So if they find you pleasuring yourself, they will flip and ask “Why on Earth would you masturbate when you have me?” 

Because it feels amazing! Yawa! 

So why even put yourself in such a situation? Just avoid it. Someday she will grow up and open a science textbook, and she will be surprised when she finds out that the earth’s is not pivoted on her forehead. 

Lock the door 

When you are staying with your boy, he will want to come into your room. And we men rarely employ social graces like knocking before entering a room. You will find yourselves in an awkward situation when he barges in, perhaps in a burst of excitement to tell you that Rooney had scored, only to find you writhing in pleasure. 

But do not worry. If he catches you red-handed, look at him in the face and continue. It will help to establish dominance in your living relationship henceforth. 

And guys, if you walk in on your housemate in the process of self-discovery, apologize. Say “I’m sorry omera, I didn’t mean to disturb you two” and beat it. Do not make it more awkward than necessary by trying to make polite conversation. 

Use the bathroom 

Let’s be fair guys. It must be very maddening for your girl to be woken up by a sudden bed-quake and you huffing and puffing. If I was a woman, I do not know whether I would let him know I am awake or just lie there cringing with rage. 

You see that bowl with taps on it? It’s called a sink. Use it. Wash up. Not just your jewels. Your hands too. Do not be one of those guys who handle their business and then hands their housemate a sandwich with a side of dried, crispy jizz. Nobody likes those. 

And please, do not leak on the floor. 

Avoid the public 

That is just creepy, and illegal. Our penal (Oh Lord!) law calls it corrupting public morals. 

Breathe 

For the love of God, remember to breathe. 

Look, it is all good if you are a single bachelor, living on your own. These rules do not apply to you. The world is your oyster, omera. Go all out and get in touch with the inner you. Sugua risasi ni kama uko vita Kapedo. Your one eyed snake is breathlessly waiting to be charmed.
Source | the Magunga
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