I Have A Hawt Boyfriend


Boyfriend

I am dating a hawt dude! Did you read that correctly? I, have, AhotBae! Dreads like Nyash (even though he has left us), face like Savara, lips like Pascal Takodi, composure like Mufasa the poet.

After all these years of dating these ‘fearfully made’ or ‘only a mother can love’ men, I have finally found my wallpaper. For once I am not dating someone whose photo I cannot post or show my siblings.

I showed photos of this fearfully made person I was dating some time back and my siblings sent them to their friends just to publicize my poor taste in men. My brother even made a meme out of the dude’s photo. Wonder how he hasn’t called me in the middle of the night to demand answers. Point is, I have a hot bae.

I am not even complaining that he takes longer to shower, longer to dress, longer watching himself in the mirror and asking me to validate his hotness. See, because he is. I mean if he doesn’t take long with his fashion, how will he update my status?

Furthermore, the lengthy time he takes to prepare himself is compensated by the time he takes fucking me. By the click of forty-eight seconds, we have fucked, cuddled and dressed! And that still negotiates the tiny winy he carries. Its like a lipstick, I tell you! Have I told you my bae is hot?

The other day we were arguing with some friends. This is going to be very embarrassing. We were talking about quakes and he pronounced tsunami with the t. So, I told him, “bae, its tsunami, without the t!” He looked at me with very loving eyes, held my hand and said, “darling, there is a t in it.” I was almost done, but….

It does not matter that most times he talks, am in my head asking “why the fuck am I dating this person?” He likes to talk about his mother, food and, yes, you guessed it, his looks. I have learnt how to fall asleep with my eyes open when talking with him. Or to be more correct, how to block him out of my brain and focus on his face. Relax, he is very hawt!

Yesterday we were eating chips and chicken at these ‘Face-You-Face-Me’s in town where you look at each other and talk through the mirror. Can you imagine if you went there on a first date? You’ve waited at those long queues, handled the rude cashier and finally found a stool at a nice corner. You start eating then look up into the mirror and, “so, you told me you live in Ngong?” Weird shit!

So yes, there we were at Sanford where all Nairobi Uni students come to eat. There was this guy seated on the table behind us. I was busy digging into my food and promoting this glutton spirit I have embraced when I realized my hot bae hadn’t touched his food nor was, he eating.

“WTF?” I look up (in the mirror) and see the cute guy behind us winking at my boyfriend. My hawt bae is furious. “Sasa izi ni gani?” So, I turned to him and told him, “bae its because of your looks.” He turns to me and says, “They usually offer to buy a drink first!”

I still have the vanity to handle this relationship. He is hot.

Tonight, I have a date with my hot bae. He told me to take him to Subway, apparently, they have awesome Shawarmas. He also requested that once I have grabbed my Uber at Juja, I should pick him up in Ngong Road. Said I should treat my man and that’s how he is used to being treated anyway. Fifth wave feminism.

Did I say anything else about my bae except that he is hot? Yes, because he is, hawt!
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